if...♥

Whenever I’m with you, I feel safe. Whenever I talk to you, I feel defenseless. I know you are my best girlfriend and what more can I expect from you. We spend so much time together and yet I miss you.

But now, there's something that stood between us. I feel jealous. I feel upset. You forgot about me. I’m no longer important. You label our love uncommon.

I thought of something.
Nothing bad.
About the meaning of love
Who love and who doesn't
What's right and what's wrong
I love you...these 3 words
They are not for aplomb
But people say our love is too liberal
I disagree

I'm still thinking about that thing
If you can't control yourself from missing me
If you be honest to yourself 
If you decide to follow your feelings for once
Let's just believe in love completely
If you say we have each other
If you start to believe in our uncommon love 
If you can give me that one 'if'
I will love you with all my heart, with all my soul.

who am i fooling?

Who am I fooling when I say I don't care?
Who am I fooling when I convey I don't think of you?
Who am I fooling when I claim I have I no feelings for you?

I lied to myself. The whole journey here, I was thinking of you. The minute I touched down I know I wanted you. The very moment I stepped into the party, I wished you were here with me.

I thought of you every minute, every second.

I imagined what is life with you here. I dreamt of you holding me tonight. I pretended you are beside me. That’s all ostentation of having that luxury to be with you.

What would it be like if I'm pregnant with you child? What would it be like if you accepted to be the father of my child? What would it be like?

I cook dinner, do your laundry and give you a home. You care for me, you make love with me and you protect me. It's that simple but yet impossible. I don't have the courage to say that 3 words. I don't have the rights to ask you to stay. I don't have the same feelings you have of me. I know I am alone and I will be alone.

I deserve to be alone.

till death do us part.

I thot to myself it will never happen. But after 30 years of searching, after countless heartbreaks, I am finally getting married this Saturday.

Broken hearts never heal even as time passed. They always leave a scar. But with those scars, you are marked and you know you won't want to have the same again. We cry and we get over it. We can't just cry and be depressed the whole life. I move on and I know what I want.

Then I met you. 6 months ago. If you loved me, you would come back for me. I didn't hope for anything. I wasn't expecting anything. After all, I know very well that hope can be a vicious beast. You told me you would come back and take my hands. I listened and I reminded myself not to take it seriously. I just needed to guard myself.

December came. You came too and looked for me. Not just me, but my family as well. You told my dad that you wanted to marry me. You were serious. I'm glad I found you.

Everyone is shocked. We only know each other for 6 months and we decided to get married. Not just that, i even had to quit my job and leave my country to be with you and to start afresh in Melbourne. She worshiped me for the courage to do such a thing.

I've seen enough. I've experience enough. When I met him, I know he was the one. There's no need to try things out anymore. This is it. This is him. He agreed with me. We both felt the same way. You walk into my life and I know why it didn't work with the rest.

The day is coming. 2 more days and we will be husband and wife. We will be together. It will be good.

I take you to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love land to cherish, till death do us part, or the Lord comes for His own, and hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you, For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord do with me and more if anything but death parts you from me.

distance

You came and look for me in Singapore after we met in Bali. We went on dates. You courted me. I enjoyed the wooing.

You went back to Manila. You left me back here alone. We talked everyday though you weren't here physically. You make a point to send me a text everyday. I'm touched. I'm glad.

But it's not working. The times you weren't here, i don't think of you. I didn't miss you that much. i moved on with life and did what i want. i were seeing others.

There was nothing between the both of us anyway. We are just friends who share certain chemistry. You have your life and i have mine. it never cross me that we could really be together especially with the distance between us.You beg to differ. You came to Singapore and talked me out of it. i listened but did not agree. There was no agreement. There was no conclusion.

Now, i'm visiting your country in 2 days. The real reason i am there maybe coz i want to see you. i just want to feel my heart beats when i look into your eyes. would i miss a beat? would the distance be shortened?

becoming fatal...

it started right but gradually it became fatal. even in hindsight, i won't deny what happened.

i never thought of that. i took it too lightly. it never come across to me that that could happen. i striped him layers by layers. he bore it all. i took what i want and left him naked, alone.

Things could have worked out if I wasn't that selfish. i blamed it on my upbringing. i blamed it on my self-defenses. The wall built over the years won't come crashing down easily. For so much you've given, all i did in return was nothing but physical satisfaction.

Yet, you know nothing about the betrayal, the other affairs that was committed. Gradually, you realized that i was lying. You took me by force that night. you wanted revenge. you wanted to payback. i just laid there and let you. when everything's over, i left the room with you naked and alone. i never turn back.

it's been some time. i thought you would have forgotten or got over it. but who am i lying when i say i wasn't afraid. the fire in your eye when i saw you again sent shivers down my spine.

i thought i didn't lose anything. i thought i have gotten what i want out of it.
i have lost. i am running away. i am afraid.

It's V Day!

Lying in the bed, thinking about today.
No dates before and ain't looking for one.
Why is it so special? Why is it different?
It only makes the rest feel sad...

Jealous I am not. Envy I might be.
With frens so dear, I won't be lonely...yet.
Hug i got from family at midnight, remind me I'm so loved.

12 more hours for it to end.
I will be green for the event.
Nothing's gonna change.
I am still who I am.

A night in Pump Room

Memories flashed back. I remembered him. I remembered his touch. I remembered his embrace. I missed him.

It's over. 3 years and still counting. We're over. It's impossible between us, I know. But there's just this part of me in denial.

It's impossible between us, it's also impossible for me to forget you. Our song. Our table. Our 2 years. I forbid myself from thinking of you. I told myself not to go there. But I had to be there tonight. And it just keep coming back.

When you saw me with another guy, you had that look in your eye. I saw. He saw too. It's been so long. But we both know we can't let go.

I will move on. You'll not see me. We won't be in touched. Let's leave each other alone. Goodbye my first love. Goodbye my man.