i love you...i love you not...

Superhuman

Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, On my knees

But that's the moment you came to me
I don't know what your love has done to me
Think I'm invincible
I see through the me I used to be

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
I feel so superhuman
Super human

Strong
Since I've been flying and writing the wrongs
Feels almost like I've had it all along
I can see tomorrow

Well every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere with love inside of me
It's unbelievable to see how love can set me free

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
I feel so superhuman
Super human

It's not a bird, not a plane
It's my heart and it's going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I feel like I can do anything
Going going, I'm gone away love

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me, yeah
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human

Where did my heart go?

It was never meant to be like this. I really didn’t want to choose to end this way. We were never really in a relationship anyway, right? You were just there when I needed you and I happened to be there when you wanted me. We were just companions. And that’s what we were for the last 5 years and now.

But nothing remained the same all the time. The announcement of my overseas posting to Taipei for the next 2 years gonna change everything. I won’t be here anymore and when I leave, we move on with our individual life without each other’s company anymore. I am fine with this plan and I am excited about the new life I’m gonna live in Taipei.

When I told you I’m leaving and that I was packing my stuff, you had no expression – the poker face and I assumed you were fine with it. Gradually, the boxes piled up at our rented apartment.  It’s one week left before my departure and you made me dinner. I was touched and started to feel that tinge of reluctance to part. But it was more than a dinner. You proposed. You said you didn’t want me to go and you can’t imagine life without me. You wanted me to stay. You wanted me to remain by your side. You wanted to come home with me in it.

It’s my turn to show the poker face. It’s my turn to not say anything. Inside me, I was screaming. I was calling for SOS. I was waiting for someone to bail me out of this situation.  It’s always this situation that you wish and pray your mum or your boss to call you on the cell. The phone didn’t ring. The doorbell? Please postman! I need you to deliver a mail now. Nothing! Darn! What should I do?

I remained the poker face.

You were waiting for an answer. You took out the ring. Oh the ring! Wow, you got the ring too. You really want me to stay. You are serious. Why did I not predict this would be coming? My poker face was gonna give me away soon. I took a step towards you and kissed you. We made love that night…the last time.

I woke up in the morning after a whole night of pondering. I took my passport and the luggage that were already packed for my scheduled departure and headed to the airport. I called office and told them that I would want to be in Taipei earlier for orientation and my boss agreed. I bought the earliest flight out to Taipei…I never hear from him then. I chose not to be in contact with him. I chose not to be his wife. I chose to leave him. I didn’t follow what my heart said and pushed all emotions to the back of my mind.

Since…I couldn’t find my heart anymore.

following her footsteps

I tried not to follow your footsteps. I reminded myself again and again not to be like you. I didn't like what you did to Dad and I won't want to do it to him. But I realized history's gonna repeat and destiny is messing with me.

I met him 3 years ago. We fell in love and eventually got married. But I didn't want him like the way he wanted me. Or I felt uncomfortable with myself. I was not satisfied with my body. I just couldn't please him sexually.

After 3 years of no-sex married life, he started to change and he turned his back on me. He had an affair. But I pointed the finger at myself. I had to take the blame. I knew I couldn't give him what he wanted, so I let him be yet held on. I needed to salvage whatever I have destroyed. I couldn't just ruin everything.  There had to be a way.

So that night it happened, I compelled myself to be in sexually in love with him. I endured whatever I had to go through. I was glad that it happened. Because I’m pregnant with his child now. He can't leave me now...

Or will he still leave; just like what dad did to you?
And will the child be like me; becoming an instrument to fix my parents' marriage?

lost and hurt.

i couldn't go home.
i didn't know how.
you didn't come either.
i thot i have lost you.

i can't look into your eyes.
i know i have hurt you.
but i can't hide the truth.
well, if you didn't ask.

i'm not coming back.
i'm afraid and ashamed.
such a pity that we end this way.
but we just have to go our seperate ways.

waiting...hoping...

friend with benefit

I have a friend…with a benefit. I know, it's singular and the word has to come with each other. You see, he's not a friend. and yes, if it wasn't the whole i'm-in-a-foreignland-let-your-guard-down bullshit, I doubt I would have heard of him after that or even remember him. Without the benefit, he's not a friend but an acquaintance. Without the friend, I won't have the benefit and life goes on.

With the recent "No Strings Attached" movie release, lots of people are talking about the FWB topic. And whether is it possible to remain as friends with benefits or fuck buddy. My stand, "why not" and people will continue asking "even after many many…?” My answer, "I’ll tell you after many many...”

You see, most FWB relationships never last longer than 6 months. The longest I ever know within my circle was a friend who had his for 8 months. FWB plays the games with the rules set and sexual establishments. Once the line is crossed, the game ends. It's game over.

Well, I have a friend...with a benefit. I know the games and I don't wanna get hurt. The only way not to get hurt is lock all emotions away and play all-aloof. Then again, I have too many frowning moments with this FWB.

We learn to protect ourselves and you can't blame me if all I wanted was sex from you. Beyond everything, you're a man and that's what you're after. We will keep it that way.