The pursuit of love

They always lived happily ever after. There wasn't any other option to end the fairy tales we read as kids. We continue subsisting on this diet of saccharine-sweet endings as we get older through countless romance novels and romantic comedies and many continue believing in this as an eventuality even if divorce rates continue to climb. 

While the pursuit of a happy ending is a life priority for some, the truth is, getting myself involved in a steady relationship is the last thing on my to-do list. I simply find it unrealistic to commit to something I know for a fact will not always translate into a "happily ever after".

I have my reasons for being cynical. Let me give you some personal statistics - in my 25 years, a total of five couples I know have already divorced and two are in the process of getting theirs. Perhaps my experience is an isolated case, but i think it reflects the current trend in society - that love doesn't last. 

And you can't blame me for feeling cynical when I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces and help out in the healing process of friends and family members who've broken up or gotten divorced. In my mind, the person who might require counseling in the future could very well be me. And that's why when I was 15, I made up my mind never to put myself in such a vulnerable position. 

A happy ending required a lot more than just faith and idealism. It also requires trust, a willingness to sacrifice and a lot of effort. But because I'm not willing to go through all that, I've declared to everyone that I'm a commitment -phobic 

And it's not just about the overwhelming number of relationships ending around me. It's also to do with my personal preferences. I get bored easily and this is also reflected in my relationships with other people, not just men. I always different social groups to hang out with to ensure I never get bored. Some people say that when you're in love with some, you want to spend 24/7 with him. But I don't belong in that camp because it's not about whether I find him fascinating or not. My personal freedom is also immensely important to me. I've woken and decided on the whim to go overseas for a month for no reason other than to please myself. 

If I had a steady partner, i doubt he'd be OK with me leaving for even a day without prior notice. It's difficult to find someone who doesn't question my whereabouts and the people I hang out with, and I don't like it when I have to report my actions to someone else. Call me selfish, but I love doing things my way at my own time. 

I'm currently going out with a few men, and they are aware of each other. I've warned them from the start that I like keeping my options open. I don't commit to anything and don't expect anything in return. And if any of them want more out of me, that's when I give them the boot and run like hell. 

There are many reasons why I've chose to avoid being in a committed relationship. But I do respect and admire those who are able to go through with it and wish them nothing less than true happiness. No matter how much of a commitment-phobic I may be, I still attend weddings and baby showers and wish the happy couple the very best. And if my friends ever encounter marital problems or hiccups in their relationships, they know they can always turn to me for concern and support.


T

my dreams...

because of you

Our Song

The song started playing on the stereo

I was distracted

I couldn't keep my my mind on the task at hand

i started to think about us

Our conversation

Our kisses

Our moments

I smiled

Things are not well

Since you left me, I haven't learnt to smile

My sight is always blurry

From the tears that I tried to hold back 

Without you, it was difficult to go on

Without you, I can't seem to do anything

My life is back to black and white

You took the colors when you left me for good

i love you...i love you not...

Superhuman

Weak
I have been crying and crying for weeks
How'd I survive when I can barely speak
Barely eat, On my knees

But that's the moment you came to me
I don't know what your love has done to me
Think I'm invincible
I see through the me I used to be

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
I feel so superhuman
Super human

Strong
Since I've been flying and writing the wrongs
Feels almost like I've had it all along
I can see tomorrow

Well every problem is gone because
I flew everywhere with love inside of me
It's unbelievable to see how love can set me free

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human
I feel so superhuman
Super human

It's not a bird, not a plane
It's my heart and it's going, gone away
My only weakness is you
Only reason is you
Every minute with you
I feel like I can do anything
Going going, I'm gone away love

You changed my whole life
Don't know what your doing to me with your love
I'm feeling all super human, you did this to me, yeah
A super human heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Super human

Where did my heart go?

It was never meant to be like this. I really didn’t want to choose to end this way. We were never really in a relationship anyway, right? You were just there when I needed you and I happened to be there when you wanted me. We were just companions. And that’s what we were for the last 5 years and now.

But nothing remained the same all the time. The announcement of my overseas posting to Taipei for the next 2 years gonna change everything. I won’t be here anymore and when I leave, we move on with our individual life without each other’s company anymore. I am fine with this plan and I am excited about the new life I’m gonna live in Taipei.

When I told you I’m leaving and that I was packing my stuff, you had no expression – the poker face and I assumed you were fine with it. Gradually, the boxes piled up at our rented apartment.  It’s one week left before my departure and you made me dinner. I was touched and started to feel that tinge of reluctance to part. But it was more than a dinner. You proposed. You said you didn’t want me to go and you can’t imagine life without me. You wanted me to stay. You wanted me to remain by your side. You wanted to come home with me in it.

It’s my turn to show the poker face. It’s my turn to not say anything. Inside me, I was screaming. I was calling for SOS. I was waiting for someone to bail me out of this situation.  It’s always this situation that you wish and pray your mum or your boss to call you on the cell. The phone didn’t ring. The doorbell? Please postman! I need you to deliver a mail now. Nothing! Darn! What should I do?

I remained the poker face.

You were waiting for an answer. You took out the ring. Oh the ring! Wow, you got the ring too. You really want me to stay. You are serious. Why did I not predict this would be coming? My poker face was gonna give me away soon. I took a step towards you and kissed you. We made love that night…the last time.

I woke up in the morning after a whole night of pondering. I took my passport and the luggage that were already packed for my scheduled departure and headed to the airport. I called office and told them that I would want to be in Taipei earlier for orientation and my boss agreed. I bought the earliest flight out to Taipei…I never hear from him then. I chose not to be in contact with him. I chose not to be his wife. I chose to leave him. I didn’t follow what my heart said and pushed all emotions to the back of my mind.

Since…I couldn’t find my heart anymore.

following her footsteps

I tried not to follow your footsteps. I reminded myself again and again not to be like you. I didn't like what you did to Dad and I won't want to do it to him. But I realized history's gonna repeat and destiny is messing with me.

I met him 3 years ago. We fell in love and eventually got married. But I didn't want him like the way he wanted me. Or I felt uncomfortable with myself. I was not satisfied with my body. I just couldn't please him sexually.

After 3 years of no-sex married life, he started to change and he turned his back on me. He had an affair. But I pointed the finger at myself. I had to take the blame. I knew I couldn't give him what he wanted, so I let him be yet held on. I needed to salvage whatever I have destroyed. I couldn't just ruin everything.  There had to be a way.

So that night it happened, I compelled myself to be in sexually in love with him. I endured whatever I had to go through. I was glad that it happened. Because I’m pregnant with his child now. He can't leave me now...

Or will he still leave; just like what dad did to you?
And will the child be like me; becoming an instrument to fix my parents' marriage?

lost and hurt.

i couldn't go home.
i didn't know how.
you didn't come either.
i thot i have lost you.

i can't look into your eyes.
i know i have hurt you.
but i can't hide the truth.
well, if you didn't ask.

i'm not coming back.
i'm afraid and ashamed.
such a pity that we end this way.
but we just have to go our seperate ways.

waiting...hoping...

friend with benefit

I have a friend…with a benefit. I know, it's singular and the word has to come with each other. You see, he's not a friend. and yes, if it wasn't the whole i'm-in-a-foreignland-let-your-guard-down bullshit, I doubt I would have heard of him after that or even remember him. Without the benefit, he's not a friend but an acquaintance. Without the friend, I won't have the benefit and life goes on.

With the recent "No Strings Attached" movie release, lots of people are talking about the FWB topic. And whether is it possible to remain as friends with benefits or fuck buddy. My stand, "why not" and people will continue asking "even after many many…?” My answer, "I’ll tell you after many many...”

You see, most FWB relationships never last longer than 6 months. The longest I ever know within my circle was a friend who had his for 8 months. FWB plays the games with the rules set and sexual establishments. Once the line is crossed, the game ends. It's game over.

Well, I have a friend...with a benefit. I know the games and I don't wanna get hurt. The only way not to get hurt is lock all emotions away and play all-aloof. Then again, I have too many frowning moments with this FWB.

We learn to protect ourselves and you can't blame me if all I wanted was sex from you. Beyond everything, you're a man and that's what you're after. We will keep it that way.

if...♥

Whenever I’m with you, I feel safe. Whenever I talk to you, I feel defenseless. I know you are my best girlfriend and what more can I expect from you. We spend so much time together and yet I miss you.

But now, there's something that stood between us. I feel jealous. I feel upset. You forgot about me. I’m no longer important. You label our love uncommon.

I thought of something.
Nothing bad.
About the meaning of love
Who love and who doesn't
What's right and what's wrong
I love you...these 3 words
They are not for aplomb
But people say our love is too liberal
I disagree

I'm still thinking about that thing
If you can't control yourself from missing me
If you be honest to yourself 
If you decide to follow your feelings for once
Let's just believe in love completely
If you say we have each other
If you start to believe in our uncommon love 
If you can give me that one 'if'
I will love you with all my heart, with all my soul.

who am i fooling?

Who am I fooling when I say I don't care?
Who am I fooling when I convey I don't think of you?
Who am I fooling when I claim I have I no feelings for you?

I lied to myself. The whole journey here, I was thinking of you. The minute I touched down I know I wanted you. The very moment I stepped into the party, I wished you were here with me.

I thought of you every minute, every second.

I imagined what is life with you here. I dreamt of you holding me tonight. I pretended you are beside me. That’s all ostentation of having that luxury to be with you.

What would it be like if I'm pregnant with you child? What would it be like if you accepted to be the father of my child? What would it be like?

I cook dinner, do your laundry and give you a home. You care for me, you make love with me and you protect me. It's that simple but yet impossible. I don't have the courage to say that 3 words. I don't have the rights to ask you to stay. I don't have the same feelings you have of me. I know I am alone and I will be alone.

I deserve to be alone.

till death do us part.

I thot to myself it will never happen. But after 30 years of searching, after countless heartbreaks, I am finally getting married this Saturday.

Broken hearts never heal even as time passed. They always leave a scar. But with those scars, you are marked and you know you won't want to have the same again. We cry and we get over it. We can't just cry and be depressed the whole life. I move on and I know what I want.

Then I met you. 6 months ago. If you loved me, you would come back for me. I didn't hope for anything. I wasn't expecting anything. After all, I know very well that hope can be a vicious beast. You told me you would come back and take my hands. I listened and I reminded myself not to take it seriously. I just needed to guard myself.

December came. You came too and looked for me. Not just me, but my family as well. You told my dad that you wanted to marry me. You were serious. I'm glad I found you.

Everyone is shocked. We only know each other for 6 months and we decided to get married. Not just that, i even had to quit my job and leave my country to be with you and to start afresh in Melbourne. She worshiped me for the courage to do such a thing.

I've seen enough. I've experience enough. When I met him, I know he was the one. There's no need to try things out anymore. This is it. This is him. He agreed with me. We both felt the same way. You walk into my life and I know why it didn't work with the rest.

The day is coming. 2 more days and we will be husband and wife. We will be together. It will be good.

I take you to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love land to cherish, till death do us part, or the Lord comes for His own, and hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you, For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord do with me and more if anything but death parts you from me.

distance

You came and look for me in Singapore after we met in Bali. We went on dates. You courted me. I enjoyed the wooing.

You went back to Manila. You left me back here alone. We talked everyday though you weren't here physically. You make a point to send me a text everyday. I'm touched. I'm glad.

But it's not working. The times you weren't here, i don't think of you. I didn't miss you that much. i moved on with life and did what i want. i were seeing others.

There was nothing between the both of us anyway. We are just friends who share certain chemistry. You have your life and i have mine. it never cross me that we could really be together especially with the distance between us.You beg to differ. You came to Singapore and talked me out of it. i listened but did not agree. There was no agreement. There was no conclusion.

Now, i'm visiting your country in 2 days. The real reason i am there maybe coz i want to see you. i just want to feel my heart beats when i look into your eyes. would i miss a beat? would the distance be shortened?

becoming fatal...

it started right but gradually it became fatal. even in hindsight, i won't deny what happened.

i never thought of that. i took it too lightly. it never come across to me that that could happen. i striped him layers by layers. he bore it all. i took what i want and left him naked, alone.

Things could have worked out if I wasn't that selfish. i blamed it on my upbringing. i blamed it on my self-defenses. The wall built over the years won't come crashing down easily. For so much you've given, all i did in return was nothing but physical satisfaction.

Yet, you know nothing about the betrayal, the other affairs that was committed. Gradually, you realized that i was lying. You took me by force that night. you wanted revenge. you wanted to payback. i just laid there and let you. when everything's over, i left the room with you naked and alone. i never turn back.

it's been some time. i thought you would have forgotten or got over it. but who am i lying when i say i wasn't afraid. the fire in your eye when i saw you again sent shivers down my spine.

i thought i didn't lose anything. i thought i have gotten what i want out of it.
i have lost. i am running away. i am afraid.

It's V Day!

Lying in the bed, thinking about today.
No dates before and ain't looking for one.
Why is it so special? Why is it different?
It only makes the rest feel sad...

Jealous I am not. Envy I might be.
With frens so dear, I won't be lonely...yet.
Hug i got from family at midnight, remind me I'm so loved.

12 more hours for it to end.
I will be green for the event.
Nothing's gonna change.
I am still who I am.

A night in Pump Room

Memories flashed back. I remembered him. I remembered his touch. I remembered his embrace. I missed him.

It's over. 3 years and still counting. We're over. It's impossible between us, I know. But there's just this part of me in denial.

It's impossible between us, it's also impossible for me to forget you. Our song. Our table. Our 2 years. I forbid myself from thinking of you. I told myself not to go there. But I had to be there tonight. And it just keep coming back.

When you saw me with another guy, you had that look in your eye. I saw. He saw too. It's been so long. But we both know we can't let go.

I will move on. You'll not see me. We won't be in touched. Let's leave each other alone. Goodbye my first love. Goodbye my man.

The pursuit of love

They always lived happily ever after. There wasn't any other option to end the fairytales we read as kids. We continue subsisting on this diet of saccharine-sweet endings as we get older through countless romance novels and romantic comedies and many continue believing in this as an eventuality even if divorce rates continue to climb. 

While the pursuit of a happy ending is a life priority for some, the truth is, getting myself involved in a steady relationship is the last thing on my to-do list. I simply find it unrealistic to commit to something I know for a fact will not always translate into a "happily ever after".

I have my reasons for being cynical. Let me give you some personal statistics - in my 22 years, a total of five couples I know have already divorced and two are in the process of getting theirs. Perhaps my experience is an isolated case, but i think it reflects the current trend in society - that love doesn't last. 

And you can't blame me for feeling cynical when I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces and help out in the healing process of friends and family members who've broken up or gotten divorced. In my mind, the person who might require counseling in the future could very well be me. And that's why when I was 15, I made up my mind never to put myself in such a vulnerable position. 

A happy ending required a lot more than just faith and idealism. It also requires trust, a willingness to sacrifice and a lot of effort. But because I'm not willing to go through all that, I've declared to everyone that I'm a commitment -phobe. 

And it's not just about the overwhelming number of relationships ending around me. It's also to do with my personal preferences. I get bored easily and this is also reflected in my relationships with other people, not just men. I always different social groups to hang out with to ensure I never get bored. Some people say that when you're in love with some, you want to spend 24/7 with him. But I don't belong in that camp because it's not about whether I find him fasciantin or not. My personal freedom is also immensely important to me. I've woken and decided on the whim to go overseas for a month for no reason other than to please myself. 

If I had a steady partner, i doubt he'd be OK with me leaving for even a day without prior notice. It's difficult to find someone who doesn't question my whereabouts and the people I hang out with, and I don't like it when I have to report my actions to someone else. Call me selfish, but I love doing things my way at my own time. 

I'm currently going out with a few men, and they are aware of each other. I've warned them from the start that I like keeping my options open. I don't commit to anything and don't expect anything in return. And if any of them want more out of me, that's when I give them the boot and run like hell. 

There are many reasons why I've chose to avoid being in a committed relationship. But I do respect and admire those who are able to go through with it and wish them nothing less than true happiness. No matter how much of a commitment-phoebe I may be, I still attend weddings and baby showers and wish the happy couple the very best. And if my friends ever encounter marital problems or hiccups in their relationships, they know they can always turn to me for concern and support.