Where did my heart go?

It was never meant to be like this. I really didn’t want to choose to end this way. We were never really in a relationship anyway, right? You were just there when I needed you and I happened to be there when you wanted me. We were just companions. And that’s what we were for the last 5 years and now.

But nothing remained the same all the time. The announcement of my overseas posting to Taipei for the next 2 years gonna change everything. I won’t be here anymore and when I leave, we move on with our individual life without each other’s company anymore. I am fine with this plan and I am excited about the new life I’m gonna live in Taipei.

When I told you I’m leaving and that I was packing my stuff, you had no expression – the poker face and I assumed you were fine with it. Gradually, the boxes piled up at our rented apartment.  It’s one week left before my departure and you made me dinner. I was touched and started to feel that tinge of reluctance to part. But it was more than a dinner. You proposed. You said you didn’t want me to go and you can’t imagine life without me. You wanted me to stay. You wanted me to remain by your side. You wanted to come home with me in it.

It’s my turn to show the poker face. It’s my turn to not say anything. Inside me, I was screaming. I was calling for SOS. I was waiting for someone to bail me out of this situation.  It’s always this situation that you wish and pray your mum or your boss to call you on the cell. The phone didn’t ring. The doorbell? Please postman! I need you to deliver a mail now. Nothing! Darn! What should I do?

I remained the poker face.

You were waiting for an answer. You took out the ring. Oh the ring! Wow, you got the ring too. You really want me to stay. You are serious. Why did I not predict this would be coming? My poker face was gonna give me away soon. I took a step towards you and kissed you. We made love that night…the last time.

I woke up in the morning after a whole night of pondering. I took my passport and the luggage that were already packed for my scheduled departure and headed to the airport. I called office and told them that I would want to be in Taipei earlier for orientation and my boss agreed. I bought the earliest flight out to Taipei…I never hear from him then. I chose not to be in contact with him. I chose not to be his wife. I chose to leave him. I didn’t follow what my heart said and pushed all emotions to the back of my mind.

Since…I couldn’t find my heart anymore.