who am i fooling?

Who am I fooling when I say I don't care?
Who am I fooling when I convey I don't think of you?
Who am I fooling when I claim I have I no feelings for you?

I lied to myself. The whole journey here, I was thinking of you. The minute I touched down I know I wanted you. The very moment I stepped into the party, I wished you were here with me.

I thought of you every minute, every second.

I imagined what is life with you here. I dreamt of you holding me tonight. I pretended you are beside me. That’s all ostentation of having that luxury to be with you.

What would it be like if I'm pregnant with you child? What would it be like if you accepted to be the father of my child? What would it be like?

I cook dinner, do your laundry and give you a home. You care for me, you make love with me and you protect me. It's that simple but yet impossible. I don't have the courage to say that 3 words. I don't have the rights to ask you to stay. I don't have the same feelings you have of me. I know I am alone and I will be alone.

I deserve to be alone.