free love or love free?

I love jazz music. He loves rock music.
I love colors. He loves black.
I love Elmo. He loves Star Wars.

I fly. He swims.
I drive. He rides.
I dream. He works.

I'm here. He's there.
I'm restricted. He's committed.
But we deny it.

What are we? He shakes his head.
Where are we going? I stare into space.
Why are we like this? We both have no answers.

So this is free love?
Sharing our love with no strings.
Sharing our lives with no emotions.
Sharing our heart with no complications.

What if...
what if one day I say I don't like what we are?
what if one day I want more?
what if one day I give up?

Would you...
would you still come after me?
would you be sad?
would you let me go?

then what...
back to friends?
back to you and I?
back to the beginning?

and we become the closest strangers?

Who the fuck are you to come into my life.

You snore like a spoilt truck engine.
You eat like a pig.
You are domineering and insensitive.
You always forget what I said.
You have no fashion sense.
You are too frugal.
You are not my best-looking guy friend that I have.
You don't know how to appreciate me.
You care for others more than you care for me.
You are an egoistic bastard.

How dare you come into my life and turned it upside down?
How dare you try to change me into something I am not?
How dare you just leave like that without saying goodbye?

And now, I have turned 'we' to I and you have turned 'we' again with someone else. How did you do that?

What can I do to get one more chance?

I had so many opportunities and yet I ruin it with my own desires. I chose to leave. I chose to give up. I chose to not see you again. Yet the news of you leaving me for good was too much for me to handle. I couldn't believe that you gave up so easily. I'm such a bitch. Who am I to think that you will wait for me for good?

I have to let it go. I have to let it pass. I have to forget you. But bloody technology, no matter how far you are, I still hear from you. I still receive updates of you. I still see you online. I couldn't stop myself from texting you. I couldn't stop myself from checking your Facebook all the time. I couldn't stop myself from checking whether you are online every now and then. I couldn't stop myself from thinking of you.

Now that you are gone with someone else, I should move on to. But everywhere I go reminds me of you. Darn! What the hell do I want? I was the one who let you go and now I feel like shit. Hell yeah! I miss you.

I want to be with you again. Please give me one more chance. Please come back, darling.

- F

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled downThat you found a girl and you're married nowI heard that your dreams came trueGuess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvitedBut I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be remindedThat for me, it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts insteadSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
You know how the time fliesOnly yesterday was the time of our livesWe were born and raised in a summer hazeBound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvitedBut I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be remindedThat for me, it isn't over yet
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah
Nothing compares, no worries or caresRegrets and mistakes, they're memories madeWho would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for youDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts insteadSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Different yet the same

I never thought it would end up this way. He’s my first boyfriend and he wasn’t what I was looking for. He’s way too different from what I would have imagined. Nevertheless, I love him more than anything now.

We worked in the same company but different department.. We are colleagues and friends but we are different. He’s an Indian and I am a Chinese. He’s strong and smart but I am just a simple person and I just want to be happy.  Our friends started to put us together. He asked me out for a movie and I didn’t say yes right away. I told him I would let him know the next day and I did say yes the next day. It wasn’t that easy to say yes after all I felt that the differences between us were too obvious.

Eventually from movies to dinner dates, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Well, of coz I didn’t tell him the answer right away again. It took me a while to give him the “Yes”. It wasn’t ‘cause the differences between us matters. In fact, at that point, it really didn’t matter anymore and I felt the differences had become indifferent. I like him. He is mature and smart. Who cares about the differences as long as I am happy?

We became an item and everyone was happy for us except my family. It was really difficult for my family to accept him as the differences between us to them matters. I was locked out of my house ‘cause my dad was mad at me. I was scolded and lectured everyday about his existence. I was helpless. I didn’t know what to do but I was glad he walked with me and never left me alone despite the harsh words and treatment from my family. After one year of ‘battle’, my family started to accept him and felt that he’s different from his initial differences that they had made. Yeah. What you see and what you get from him are pretty different. :)

We are going to celebrate our 5th year anniversary soon. From the differences, we have outgrown and became the same. We still get weird stares and remarks from strangers but who cares?! We are happy and what better way to end a story…

We live happily ever after coz we are different yet the same.

1 + 1 = ?

A simple equation but the answer varies; love naturally just makes things complicated. But I don't like the complications.

I learnt from my past relationships. I was hurt and left with a broken heart. But I never give up and after each relationship; I know what I want and what I don't want. The technicality is there. I know what I want and am as simple as 1+1. It can't go that wrong. I was looking around and no one could give me the answer to the equation till she appeared into my life.

For 4 years, we were online friends. We have never met and we have nothing to hide. She's a friend that I can share my problems and woes. I have nothing to hide coz I'm not going to meet her and she doesn't know who I am. She shared her problem with me too. She was real and honest. She didn’t hide anything. We were real.

It was till last year that when I was visiting her country and working there, things between us changed. We met and it changed our life. She was the answer to the equation. It was that simple. No gimmicks. No dramas. No doubts. She was the one. Amazingly, she felt the same way too. We went through enough in our love life and that we didn’t want to waste anymore time. We were together and we got married after a year.

Many people questioned about our hasty decision but I told them I never been so sure about something.

1+1 = US

he loves me...he loves me not...

Alone

he is there when I don't need him. he is always aloof towards me and worse towards his friends. he never keep to his promises. he never apologize. he never say anything sweet to me. he never say 'I love you'.

he don't go to bed till I get home. he won't start eating without me. he hugs me when he has a bad day. he holds me to sleep though it's a hot night. he never loses his temper on me even when I'm just simply annoying him. he includes me in all his future plans but without discussing with me. he kisses me before leaving for work and tells me to wait for him to be back. he enjoys watching football with his friends but turn them down when I'm sick. he doesn't know how to make me laugh but will smile to himself when he sees me happy.

this is him, my husband and the one I love.

The Perfect Fit

He's a Singaporean and he was staying in Japan. He became my language partner. I was supposed to learn Mandarin and English from him while he learnt Japanese from me. But I guess we took more than learning languages from each other...

We started dating. We were happy and what else can I ask for? After a year, I thought we were good and I made a silly mistake. You see, to get a Singapore visa/work permit is very difficult and the easiest option would be to marry a Singaporean. So I played with this thought for a while and I seek his 'approval' on this idea. Yeah, I asked him if it's ok to marry me so I could stay in Singapore and if things between us didn't work out, there's always a divorce option. BAM! I hit the wrong button. He wasn't happy. He looked angry. But yet he didn't say anything. The next day, he left Japan for his work assignment. I didn't hear from him since. DARN! I did it all wrong. I shouldn't have asked. I wanted him back so badly. Screw the Singapore's residency status. I don't need it anymore. I just want him back.

A week passed. I was equally miserable as the first day. He hadn't contacted me since. And every time I was online, he would 'disappear'. I wished I could turn back the time and not said those stupid things. I love him. I would marry him because I want to be with him and not because of anything else. I don't want to go Singapore anymore. I just want to be with him,

One night, I was out with my girlfriend and yep, still drowning myself with tears and alcohol. I told her it was the end. He's not going to forgive me. I have hurt him badly. When I got home, the lights were out. DARN! Aint I pathetic enough? Armed with my mobile phone light, I went to look for the switch board. But I spotted some blood stains on my floor (blamed it on the alcohol influence and the dim light). OMFG! What's going on in here? I started to follow the 'blood path' and it led me to my bedroom. I'm so going to faint anytime. What if the murderer was still around? What if he kills me? What if...What if... My bed! It was flooded with blood! WAIT! That's not blood. They were......rose petals?

"Did you see it? Did you see it?" A voiced boomed from the back. I looked around and saw ten stalks of roses on my bed. And out of 10, there was one rose that look different. I took the different rose out and realized it was a box. I opened and saw the dazzling stone. The tear tap was turned on again. I couldn't stop crying anymore. I was so shocked and happy. I was so frightened and clueless. I was so all over the place. And he came out from my closet and popped the question, "Would you marry me?" And in between my tears, wailing and heavy breathing, I managed to say a "Yes". He hugged me and tried to hush me down.

When I finally calmed down, he took the ring and said, “If it doesn't fit, we can always go back and alter." He put the ring on my finger and it was the perfect fit.

For you, I will not...

For you, I will not keep checking my phone to see if you have called or texted me. 

For you, I will not log in to my email every 5 minute hoping your name will appear in my inbox. 

For you, I will not stalk you on Facebook and all the females in your friends' list. 

For you, I will not hang out with my friends at your favorite haunt and hope you are somewhere near. 

For you, I will not doll myself in clothes that you like just to get a second look from you. 

For you, I will not ask around my friends how much they know you & think about you. 

For you, I will not talk about you all day long. 

For you, I will not search for your smell on my pillow despite you have left a month ago. 

For you, I will not wish you were the only one I wanna be with yesterday. 

For you, I will not take a picture of myself smiling to tell you how much you make me smile. 

For you, I will not try to see if you were the driver when I see the same car model when it drove past me.

For you, I will not think of you for every little thing I do and that reminds me of you. 

For you, I will not imagine myself kissing you even when it's someone else I'm kissing. 

For you, I will not cry when you don't think, miss or even look at me anymore. 

For you, I will not ...

it's just a paper...

He said, "I have a house, I have a car and I have you. My life is almost complete."
I asked, "What's missing?"
He said, "Our kids."
I said, "Before kids, there must be marriage."
He said, "It's just a paper."
I said, "I can do the cohabit thing but not pregnancy before marriage. My family will kill me."
He said, "Then let's get married."
I stared hard at him and said, "No."
He asked, "Why?"
I said, "You are getting married for the wrong reason!"
He said, "But you wanted to get married and now I asked, you said no."
I said, "That's because you don't want to marry me."
He said, "I was talking to you and not someone else. What do you mean I don't wanna marry you?"
I said, "And if I tell you I don't want kids, will you still wanna marry me?"
He said, "Why won't you want kids? You love them."
I said, "Loving them and having them is different. Would you still marry me if I don't want kids?"
He said, "It's just a paper."

End of conversation.

I need time...

I need time to walk out of your shadow. I never dare to admit nor face it. I simply avoided it.

Years ago, I liked you yet the stupid and coward me decided to withdraw and avoid all confrontations. It resulted in the regrets and jealousy built over years. I didn't have the courage to love and I can't blame anyone else.

I have moved on and found someone. Someone that will eventually break my heart for sure. Yet, I head right in because I deserve to be punished. I dun deserved to be loved. And I saw you...

The drunkard moments surfaced all the emotions buried over years. I never had a chance to get over you. I just removed myself from you. The crying...the confession...I'm such a pain!

It's awkward now but I guess it's good. I have finally dealt with you. it's time to walk out of your shadow.

their first love

The Big Word - Responsibility

I'm getting married next week. I'm marrying my girlfriend of 3 years. We are getting married just because. She's marrying me coz I'm her first love. I'm marrying her because of responsibility.

There was someone else before her. Someone that made my heart skip a beat. Someone that made me do crazy things. Someone that I texted at 3am to wish her sweet dreams all because I really wished she's have had her sweet dreams. Someone that I loved. But it ended after a while when we grew apart.

And I met my finace. I courted her. She gave me the comfortable feeling. I don't have to do crazy things. My heart was not skipping and beating off beat. I am fond of her. And things just moved on like a cycle. Without knowing, 3 years passed and everyone was expecting us to get married. So we did. We just walked into the jewellery shop, got our wedding ring and everything just moved as planned. There was no proposal.

I was her first love. And I am her everything. If I were to leave her, her world would collapse. It's the end of everything to her. I can't do that to her. The last 3 years - it was her by my side and she will continue to be my side till we both shall live. We're getting married and I will be responsible.

1 week left to our wedding and I'm sitting in the pub alone thinking of someone else. She's returning the country soon, the last I heard. Walking down the marriage asile with someone I don't love as much, what will it make me? Is responsibility that important? What should I do? Oh screw it! I can't back up now. It's too late, right?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

From Friends to Lovers

I am 10 years his senior. My girlfriend and I were in this photography club and one day, she brought him with her. They knew each other through another friend. Since then, the three of us became best friends. We spent a lot of time hanging out, doing crazy stuffs.

Gradually, it was more than just company that we enjoyed. Between me and him, we started talking privately. We texted each other everyday and he would share his problem in the relationship he was in. Eventually, he broke up with her because he fell in love with someone else. And that someone else was me.

One night, I went out with my girl friend for a drink. I've decided to tell her about me and him. When I've got her to guess, she mentioned every single guy that we knew except him. After a while, when no one else was left, she looked at me seriously and mouthed his name. I nodded and her reaction was unexpected. It was tears. It came rolling down her cheek and she questioned me "so you are the third party? all these while and you didn't tell me?!" The night ended.

Soon, we became official. Everyone were against it. With the age difference, with me being the third party issue, no one was supportive. Despite the discouragement, I didn't wanna end. No one has treated me the way he did. I was special to him and I felt special. We pressed on even his family was against it. We pressed on though all my friends warned me to be careful.

Now, we are together for 3 years. And guess what, we are even going to get married soon though his family has yet to accept me. My girl friend smiled and said he was the worst and best thing that could have happened to me. I'm happy that i'm marrying my best friend.

searching...

I am in my midst twenties and I am a relatively young lady compared to my peers. It has always been like this - I'll be the youngest in my group. And maybe for that reason, I was never in a rush. 

I'm single and always have been. I have men courting me but they ain't my type. Yet, when people ask me what's my type, I have no answer. I just say when the right one is here, it's here. But I think I'm slowly not buying that idea anymore. I feel left out when most of your peers are moving on. Endless wedding invitations and baby showers make me jealous and I really hope my soulmate will come soon. 

And I make the decision, I'm not waiting anymore. I'll seek out to my soulmate. I will go look for him or her and make things work. I will love him or her and even if it might break my heart. Impulses or not, I'm leaving the country to see the color of my soul.

I'm still in pain

He courted me for 4 months. These 4 months spent together was beautiful. We went to fancy restaurants, romantic dates, flowers, gifts...we did all dating couples would do. I was in love with this man.

After dinner at our favorite restaurant to celebrate our 100th day anniversary, we went back to his place. It was going to our first night together. I could feel butterflies in my stomach when we walked up the stairs. Every step closer to his apartment, I got more and more nervous. He held my hand and smiled; giving me the assurance, i reckoned.

When we got to his apartment, he sat me down at the couch and went to the kitchen to get us drinks. Some alcohol would be good now. We started drinking and chatted about the plans for tomorrow. And it was at this moment, he kissed me. It was the longest and most passionate kiss I ever got. And I knew he wanted me. Soon, we ended up in his room, undressed and embracing every intimate moment we could have. It was mind-blowing night I had.

Next morning, we went out for breakfast and he told me he had to go Hong Kong for a business trip that night. I was surprised that he didn't mention anything before and I was already beginning to miss him. After breakfast, we split and that was the last I've seen him. For the next few days, i was waiting by my phone like some anxious little girl. I checked my email every 5 minutes, hoping to hear something from him soon. I was about to call him when I bumped into a friend who was his colleague, told me he did not leave town and that he wasn't bound for Hong Kong. I tried calling, texting and emailing him but I've got nothing...just nothing in return.

Weird thoughts ran through my head. I wondered what I did. I wondered whether was it because of that night. I wondered ... I went to his place and all that I had wondered came to a conclusion. A lady opened the door and when I asked for him, she said,"He's not home right now. I'm his wife. Can I help you?" I turned and ran away.

It's been 2 months since that day and I still remember everything. The way we hold each other. The way you laughed. The way you made me smile. I'm still in pain...

xo,
can't-get-over-him

The pursuit of love

They always lived happily ever after. There wasn't any other option to end the fairy tales we read as kids. We continue subsisting on this diet of saccharine-sweet endings as we get older through countless romance novels and romantic comedies and many continue believing in this as an eventuality even if divorce rates continue to climb. 

While the pursuit of a happy ending is a life priority for some, the truth is, getting myself involved in a steady relationship is the last thing on my to-do list. I simply find it unrealistic to commit to something I know for a fact will not always translate into a "happily ever after".

I have my reasons for being cynical. Let me give you some personal statistics - in my 25 years, a total of five couples I know have already divorced and two are in the process of getting theirs. Perhaps my experience is an isolated case, but i think it reflects the current trend in society - that love doesn't last. 

And you can't blame me for feeling cynical when I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces and help out in the healing process of friends and family members who've broken up or gotten divorced. In my mind, the person who might require counseling in the future could very well be me. And that's why when I was 15, I made up my mind never to put myself in such a vulnerable position. 

A happy ending required a lot more than just faith and idealism. It also requires trust, a willingness to sacrifice and a lot of effort. But because I'm not willing to go through all that, I've declared to everyone that I'm a commitment -phobic 

And it's not just about the overwhelming number of relationships ending around me. It's also to do with my personal preferences. I get bored easily and this is also reflected in my relationships with other people, not just men. I always different social groups to hang out with to ensure I never get bored. Some people say that when you're in love with some, you want to spend 24/7 with him. But I don't belong in that camp because it's not about whether I find him fascinating or not. My personal freedom is also immensely important to me. I've woken and decided on the whim to go overseas for a month for no reason other than to please myself. 

If I had a steady partner, i doubt he'd be OK with me leaving for even a day without prior notice. It's difficult to find someone who doesn't question my whereabouts and the people I hang out with, and I don't like it when I have to report my actions to someone else. Call me selfish, but I love doing things my way at my own time. 

I'm currently going out with a few men, and they are aware of each other. I've warned them from the start that I like keeping my options open. I don't commit to anything and don't expect anything in return. And if any of them want more out of me, that's when I give them the boot and run like hell. 

There are many reasons why I've chose to avoid being in a committed relationship. But I do respect and admire those who are able to go through with it and wish them nothing less than true happiness. No matter how much of a commitment-phobic I may be, I still attend weddings and baby showers and wish the happy couple the very best. And if my friends ever encounter marital problems or hiccups in their relationships, they know they can always turn to me for concern and support.


T

my dreams...

because of you

Our Song

The song started playing on the stereo

I was distracted

I couldn't keep my my mind on the task at hand

i started to think about us

Our conversation

Our kisses

Our moments

I smiled

Things are not well

Since you left me, I haven't learnt to smile

My sight is always blurry

From the tears that I tried to hold back 

Without you, it was difficult to go on

Without you, I can't seem to do anything

My life is back to black and white

You took the colors when you left me for good