I wanna make you...

Source: thirteendian

it's just fiction

image: Anatasaia Volkova

I wrote about our first meeting
How I'll be anxious about each others company
To watch the flutter of your eyelashes
To feel your skin of cinnamon
And yes, your douchebag smile

Wrote about how we'll spend nights together
Under flame trees and street silhouettes
Talk until the midnight skies gave way
Drunk from  the cups of each others voices
We'd speak to tell love
No kiss can express

Just you and me

How you'll wake up with a drool on your mouth
Laughing, I plant a kiss on your face
My fingers tracing your contours
A sudden twisted sadness
An ambitious tear tempts to fall

Yes, I wrote about the possibility
Envisaged the possibility of
Us, being soulmates
Taking a try and be real ones
And not just
Some lines on papers
And question marks

And when someone asks me about this man
With his eyebrows thick as ink
Lost between rhyming and
Haiku's' turning to sonnets

I mumble and blush
Tear and scratch
On your initials
Written at the first of this poem
And sigh out; "It's just fiction."

syl

I will always love you...

Source: Unknown

My dad told me when I was young that you will never forget your first love. I think I know what he means now. 

Love at first sight, maybe. When I saw him, I just couldn't take my eyes off him. I had to force myself to stop staring. And I guess it was too obvious that he came over to where I was sitting during the party and asked "Are you admiring me?" Gosh, even his voice drew me in the deepest end of fairy tales. I couldn't stop gazing at him and I didn't answer his question. He took my hands and brought me to the dance floor. I don't remember breathing. 

After that night, I thought I would have never seen him again. When I received his text the next day, I flew the rockets to cloud nine. He's asking me out for dinner. HE'S ASKING ME OUT~ I shrieked and danced around my room. I took the whole day to dress up and I was ready thirty minutes before he came and pick me up. The butterflies...the heartbeat...I thought I was going to faint. 

At dinner, we talked about everything under the sky. He told me about his plans after college and I told him mine. And I knew he was admiring me too through the way he stared at me. After dinner, we went for a stroll and we continued to talk about plans in the future. And when we finally stop, he kissed me. That was it. I was knew I was done.

A few days later when he got back to town, he came and looked for me. We spent the weekends laughing, talking, kissing and laying the bed till the wee hours. We spent every moment in love with each other. It was wild and crazy. It was mad and heart stirring. It was our love. 

We graduated and we both left the country to pursue the plans we had. We still text and email each other once in a while. It's been 5 years since I last saw him and I can never erase him.

-Kel

he still haunts...

image source: favin.com

I couldn't help it. When I read the post 'The Ghost of Love', I just have to share.

I never had him, B. We had never talked about us. We were just together for the sake of being together. He had me and I had him. We thought it was enough. Then, he wanted more and I wanted more too. But we were just too stubborn to let it go, we refused to give each other what we wanted and eventually we separated ways. It's been 3 months since I talked to B. He moved on and so did I.

But I cannot stop thinking about him since. Everywhere I go, I am reminded of him. Even when I daydream, my mind wonders to him. I cannot stop myself. God! Help me!

There's this new guy, M, that I am seeing right now. M was perfect for me. He's nice to me and he dotes on me. He takes good care of me and even attempts romantic gestures to sweep me off my feet. Yet everything he does makes me unhappy. Every time he tries to be nice to me, I just wish it was B instead. B is a past to me. He has to be.

I need him to go away. I need him to stop haunting me. I need to move on.

The Ghost of Love

The ghost of love has a name.

It's called Past, and the living knows him. Like a memory, or a distanced friend whom you've long stopped speaking to, but still sometimes dreamed about.

Past was born a loner; he deserts the tangible, the sounds and the laughter. He contents himself in his quiet dwelling that is murky solitude, and often seeks the companionship of no one, except, on occasion... Present.

Present is a living being; Past didn't fancy her initially- he thought she changed too much. There were the days when she shone with irrepressible joy and optimism, her face plastered with what he still recognises as an expression of elation. At other times however, a pair of lost,vacant eyes greeted him from afar, and he would stare transfixed as she trudged away wordlessly, her movements heavy and limp.

Having long had a penchant for the peaceful constant, Past wasn't immediately drawn to her. Gradually however, he found Present to be strangely fascinating.

And so he decided to befriend her.

He materialised in front of her one breezy night and Present looked up, only mildly surprised.

"I know you," she said.

"You do? How?"

"I just do."

And so he stayed.

Soon, Past began to suspect hid sporadic appearances, and the timings in which he made them, had influenced on her increasingly shifting tempers.

One chilly night, when Past glided into vision, the wan smile that was on Present's face was replaced with a look of ecstasy, and Past knew she had missed him. When he surfaced again the next morning however, she told him irritably to leave, and when he refused and persisted in shadowing her for days, she broke down, begging shakily in between sobs for his departure.

He couldn't understand it, and so wounded, he retreated once again, into aloneness.

A few months later, he felt unable to contain his one, nagging desire an longer. The inexplicably inextinguishable desire to tail and be with Present, to live with her, to remind her of his existence.

When he found her this time, the air was pensive and as he drifted down to sit beside her, Present was unperturbed, a small smile playing on her lips, her gaze wistful and lingering in the distance.

Past followed the direction of her eyes and made out a handsome although indistinct figure in the silvery midst. This silhouette was smiling, and beckoning in their direction.

"Future," Present sighed.

A wave of jealousy overcame Past and he prodded her sharply. "Stop looking."

Present looked momentarily startled. "What? Why?"

"Because you should be with me."

She gave a nervous laugh and shook her head.

"You know me," Past went on. " I was part of you, and always will. We belong together."

"We... we used to. Not anymore,no."

"You can't forget me."

"What? No... I can. I mean, I want to. I try."

"stop trying. Just be with me."

"No," she said desperately. "I don't w -"

"I'll follow you."

Present looked up at Past for a long time and said nothing.
At last she rose and gave him a sad smile. " I know."

Then she turned her head towards Future and contemplated the promising albeit vague figure in the near distance.

"But not for long..." She whispered. I hope.

-SYL

I fall for a boy...

"I will fall for a boy who will:

*stand out in the rain with me.

*cook with, or for me.

*let me sing along to the radio. 

*keep surprising me. 

*watch movies with me on lazy days. 

*remember the little things. 

*help me face my fears. 

*start play-fights with me -

with water, or food, or pillows or anything. 

*write me post-it love letters. 

*always say what's on his mind.

*let me wear his clothes. 

*shut me up with kisses. 

*call me things like darling, not babe. 

*hug me and say, "no, you're not." when I say i'm fine. 

*treat me, sometimes like a child. 

*treat me, sometimes, as an adult.

*love me back."

from To Have and To Hold. 

I have fallen for you because

you dance in the rain with me. 

you eat everything that I cook. 

you hear me sing, maybe shriek.  

you read with me on Saturday brunch.

you come to my rescue when I am at the mercy of a cockroach.

you kiss my tears when I cry for the silliest thing. 

you always speak your mind to me. 

you think i am sexy when I wear your clothes. 

you kiss me when I talk too much. 

you call me baby. 

you talk to me like I am your best friend. 

you watch me sleep. 

you love me.

-thirteendian-

Depeche Mode - FreeLove (official video)

If you've been hiding from love

If you've been hiding from love

I can understand where you're coming from

I can understand where you're coming from

If you've suffered enough

If you've suffered enough

I can understand what you're thinking of

I can see the pain that you're frightened of

And I'm only here

To bring you free love

Let's make it clear

That this is free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

I've been running like you

I've been running like you

Now you understand why I'm running scared

Now you understand why I'm running scared

I've been searching for truth

I've been searching for truth

And I haven't been getting anywhere

No I haven't been getting anywhere

And I'm only here

To bring you free love

Let's make it clear

That this is free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

Hey girl

You've got to take this moment

Then let it slip away

Let go of complicated feelings

Then there's no price to pay

We've been running from love

We've been running from love

And we don't know what we're doing here

No we don't know what we're doing here

We're only here

Sharing our free love

Let's make it clear

That this is free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

No hidden catch

No strings attached

Just free love

free love or love free?

I love jazz music. He loves rock music.
I love colors. He loves black.
I love Elmo. He loves Star Wars.

I fly. He swims.
I drive. He rides.
I dream. He works.

I'm here. He's there.
I'm restricted. He's committed.
But we deny it.

What are we? He shakes his head.
Where are we going? I stare into space.
Why are we like this? We both have no answers.

So this is free love?
Sharing our love with no strings.
Sharing our lives with no emotions.
Sharing our heart with no complications.

What if...
what if one day I say I don't like what we are?
what if one day I want more?
what if one day I give up?

Would you...
would you still come after me?
would you be sad?
would you let me go?

then what...
back to friends?
back to you and I?
back to the beginning?

and we become the closest strangers?

Who the fuck are you to come into my life.

You snore like a spoilt truck engine.
You eat like a pig.
You are domineering and insensitive.
You always forget what I said.
You have no fashion sense.
You are too frugal.
You are not my best-looking guy friend that I have.
You don't know how to appreciate me.
You care for others more than you care for me.
You are an egoistic bastard.

How dare you come into my life and turned it upside down?
How dare you try to change me into something I am not?
How dare you just leave like that without saying goodbye?

And now, I have turned 'we' to I and you have turned 'we' again with someone else. How did you do that?

What can I do to get one more chance?

I had so many opportunities and yet I ruin it with my own desires. I chose to leave. I chose to give up. I chose to not see you again. Yet the news of you leaving me for good was too much for me to handle. I couldn't believe that you gave up so easily. I'm such a bitch. Who am I to think that you will wait for me for good?

I have to let it go. I have to let it pass. I have to forget you. But bloody technology, no matter how far you are, I still hear from you. I still receive updates of you. I still see you online. I couldn't stop myself from texting you. I couldn't stop myself from checking your Facebook all the time. I couldn't stop myself from checking whether you are online every now and then. I couldn't stop myself from thinking of you.

Now that you are gone with someone else, I should move on to. But everywhere I go reminds me of you. Darn! What the hell do I want? I was the one who let you go and now I feel like shit. Hell yeah! I miss you.

I want to be with you again. Please give me one more chance. Please come back, darling.

- F

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled downThat you found a girl and you're married nowI heard that your dreams came trueGuess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvitedBut I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be remindedThat for me, it isn't over
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts insteadSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
You know how the time fliesOnly yesterday was the time of our livesWe were born and raised in a summer hazeBound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvitedBut I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight itI had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be remindedThat for me, it isn't over yet
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah
Nothing compares, no worries or caresRegrets and mistakes, they're memories madeWho would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for youDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Never mind, I'll find someone like youI wish nothing but the best for you, tooDon't forget me, I begged, I remember you saidSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts insteadSometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Different yet the same

I never thought it would end up this way. He’s my first boyfriend and he wasn’t what I was looking for. He’s way too different from what I would have imagined. Nevertheless, I love him more than anything now.

We worked in the same company but different department.. We are colleagues and friends but we are different. He’s an Indian and I am a Chinese. He’s strong and smart but I am just a simple person and I just want to be happy.  Our friends started to put us together. He asked me out for a movie and I didn’t say yes right away. I told him I would let him know the next day and I did say yes the next day. It wasn’t that easy to say yes after all I felt that the differences between us were too obvious.

Eventually from movies to dinner dates, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Well, of coz I didn’t tell him the answer right away again. It took me a while to give him the “Yes”. It wasn’t ‘cause the differences between us matters. In fact, at that point, it really didn’t matter anymore and I felt the differences had become indifferent. I like him. He is mature and smart. Who cares about the differences as long as I am happy?

We became an item and everyone was happy for us except my family. It was really difficult for my family to accept him as the differences between us to them matters. I was locked out of my house ‘cause my dad was mad at me. I was scolded and lectured everyday about his existence. I was helpless. I didn’t know what to do but I was glad he walked with me and never left me alone despite the harsh words and treatment from my family. After one year of ‘battle’, my family started to accept him and felt that he’s different from his initial differences that they had made. Yeah. What you see and what you get from him are pretty different. :)

We are going to celebrate our 5th year anniversary soon. From the differences, we have outgrown and became the same. We still get weird stares and remarks from strangers but who cares?! We are happy and what better way to end a story…

We live happily ever after coz we are different yet the same.

1 + 1 = ?

A simple equation but the answer varies; love naturally just makes things complicated. But I don't like the complications.

I learnt from my past relationships. I was hurt and left with a broken heart. But I never give up and after each relationship; I know what I want and what I don't want. The technicality is there. I know what I want and am as simple as 1+1. It can't go that wrong. I was looking around and no one could give me the answer to the equation till she appeared into my life.

For 4 years, we were online friends. We have never met and we have nothing to hide. She's a friend that I can share my problems and woes. I have nothing to hide coz I'm not going to meet her and she doesn't know who I am. She shared her problem with me too. She was real and honest. She didn’t hide anything. We were real.

It was till last year that when I was visiting her country and working there, things between us changed. We met and it changed our life. She was the answer to the equation. It was that simple. No gimmicks. No dramas. No doubts. She was the one. Amazingly, she felt the same way too. We went through enough in our love life and that we didn’t want to waste anymore time. We were together and we got married after a year.

Many people questioned about our hasty decision but I told them I never been so sure about something.

1+1 = US

he loves me...he loves me not...

Alone

he is there when I don't need him. he is always aloof towards me and worse towards his friends. he never keep to his promises. he never apologize. he never say anything sweet to me. he never say 'I love you'.

he don't go to bed till I get home. he won't start eating without me. he hugs me when he has a bad day. he holds me to sleep though it's a hot night. he never loses his temper on me even when I'm just simply annoying him. he includes me in all his future plans but without discussing with me. he kisses me before leaving for work and tells me to wait for him to be back. he enjoys watching football with his friends but turn them down when I'm sick. he doesn't know how to make me laugh but will smile to himself when he sees me happy.

this is him, my husband and the one I love.

The Perfect Fit

He's a Singaporean and he was staying in Japan. He became my language partner. I was supposed to learn Mandarin and English from him while he learnt Japanese from me. But I guess we took more than learning languages from each other...

We started dating. We were happy and what else can I ask for? After a year, I thought we were good and I made a silly mistake. You see, to get a Singapore visa/work permit is very difficult and the easiest option would be to marry a Singaporean. So I played with this thought for a while and I seek his 'approval' on this idea. Yeah, I asked him if it's ok to marry me so I could stay in Singapore and if things between us didn't work out, there's always a divorce option. BAM! I hit the wrong button. He wasn't happy. He looked angry. But yet he didn't say anything. The next day, he left Japan for his work assignment. I didn't hear from him since. DARN! I did it all wrong. I shouldn't have asked. I wanted him back so badly. Screw the Singapore's residency status. I don't need it anymore. I just want him back.

A week passed. I was equally miserable as the first day. He hadn't contacted me since. And every time I was online, he would 'disappear'. I wished I could turn back the time and not said those stupid things. I love him. I would marry him because I want to be with him and not because of anything else. I don't want to go Singapore anymore. I just want to be with him,

One night, I was out with my girlfriend and yep, still drowning myself with tears and alcohol. I told her it was the end. He's not going to forgive me. I have hurt him badly. When I got home, the lights were out. DARN! Aint I pathetic enough? Armed with my mobile phone light, I went to look for the switch board. But I spotted some blood stains on my floor (blamed it on the alcohol influence and the dim light). OMFG! What's going on in here? I started to follow the 'blood path' and it led me to my bedroom. I'm so going to faint anytime. What if the murderer was still around? What if he kills me? What if...What if... My bed! It was flooded with blood! WAIT! That's not blood. They were......rose petals?

"Did you see it? Did you see it?" A voiced boomed from the back. I looked around and saw ten stalks of roses on my bed. And out of 10, there was one rose that look different. I took the different rose out and realized it was a box. I opened and saw the dazzling stone. The tear tap was turned on again. I couldn't stop crying anymore. I was so shocked and happy. I was so frightened and clueless. I was so all over the place. And he came out from my closet and popped the question, "Would you marry me?" And in between my tears, wailing and heavy breathing, I managed to say a "Yes". He hugged me and tried to hush me down.

When I finally calmed down, he took the ring and said, “If it doesn't fit, we can always go back and alter." He put the ring on my finger and it was the perfect fit.

For you, I will not...

For you, I will not keep checking my phone to see if you have called or texted me. 

For you, I will not log in to my email every 5 minute hoping your name will appear in my inbox. 

For you, I will not stalk you on Facebook and all the females in your friends' list. 

For you, I will not hang out with my friends at your favorite haunt and hope you are somewhere near. 

For you, I will not doll myself in clothes that you like just to get a second look from you. 

For you, I will not ask around my friends how much they know you & think about you. 

For you, I will not talk about you all day long. 

For you, I will not search for your smell on my pillow despite you have left a month ago. 

For you, I will not wish you were the only one I wanna be with yesterday. 

For you, I will not take a picture of myself smiling to tell you how much you make me smile. 

For you, I will not try to see if you were the driver when I see the same car model when it drove past me.

For you, I will not think of you for every little thing I do and that reminds me of you. 

For you, I will not imagine myself kissing you even when it's someone else I'm kissing. 

For you, I will not cry when you don't think, miss or even look at me anymore. 

For you, I will not ...

it's just a paper...

He said, "I have a house, I have a car and I have you. My life is almost complete."
I asked, "What's missing?"
He said, "Our kids."
I said, "Before kids, there must be marriage."
He said, "It's just a paper."
I said, "I can do the cohabit thing but not pregnancy before marriage. My family will kill me."
He said, "Then let's get married."
I stared hard at him and said, "No."
He asked, "Why?"
I said, "You are getting married for the wrong reason!"
He said, "But you wanted to get married and now I asked, you said no."
I said, "That's because you don't want to marry me."
He said, "I was talking to you and not someone else. What do you mean I don't wanna marry you?"
I said, "And if I tell you I don't want kids, will you still wanna marry me?"
He said, "Why won't you want kids? You love them."
I said, "Loving them and having them is different. Would you still marry me if I don't want kids?"
He said, "It's just a paper."

End of conversation.

I need time...

I need time to walk out of your shadow. I never dare to admit nor face it. I simply avoided it.

Years ago, I liked you yet the stupid and coward me decided to withdraw and avoid all confrontations. It resulted in the regrets and jealousy built over years. I didn't have the courage to love and I can't blame anyone else.

I have moved on and found someone. Someone that will eventually break my heart for sure. Yet, I head right in because I deserve to be punished. I dun deserved to be loved. And I saw you...

The drunkard moments surfaced all the emotions buried over years. I never had a chance to get over you. I just removed myself from you. The crying...the confession...I'm such a pain!

It's awkward now but I guess it's good. I have finally dealt with you. it's time to walk out of your shadow.

their first love

The Big Word - Responsibility

I'm getting married next week. I'm marrying my girlfriend of 3 years. We are getting married just because. She's marrying me coz I'm her first love. I'm marrying her because of responsibility.

There was someone else before her. Someone that made my heart skip a beat. Someone that made me do crazy things. Someone that I texted at 3am to wish her sweet dreams all because I really wished she's have had her sweet dreams. Someone that I loved. But it ended after a while when we grew apart.

And I met my finace. I courted her. She gave me the comfortable feeling. I don't have to do crazy things. My heart was not skipping and beating off beat. I am fond of her. And things just moved on like a cycle. Without knowing, 3 years passed and everyone was expecting us to get married. So we did. We just walked into the jewellery shop, got our wedding ring and everything just moved as planned. There was no proposal.

I was her first love. And I am her everything. If I were to leave her, her world would collapse. It's the end of everything to her. I can't do that to her. The last 3 years - it was her by my side and she will continue to be my side till we both shall live. We're getting married and I will be responsible.

1 week left to our wedding and I'm sitting in the pub alone thinking of someone else. She's returning the country soon, the last I heard. Walking down the marriage asile with someone I don't love as much, what will it make me? Is responsibility that important? What should I do? Oh screw it! I can't back up now. It's too late, right?

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